I've created an animal.

This is a new species of ox. It is called a Boffice Ox.

 

Looks like a regular ol' ox, doesn't it? Well, it isn't. It is an ox, but this species of ox was born with a fun birth defect! Instead of making whatever noise an ox makes, it makes a hideous noise that sounds like "boffice." Therefore, it is the Boffice Ox.

 

He's precious.

What's wrong with you people??

I posted an angry blog a few days ago. It was really more of a personal one that my mom made me post, so that the idiot I was writing about wouldn't take me to court.

Well, I decided to check my stats  the next day and saw that it was the only post I ever made that had almost as many posts as my first post. It made more posts in one day than any of my posts made in the time since I posted them. What the hell?

That angry post wasn't even a real post! Why do you people like it so much? Why does anger attract more people than humor? I would rather look at something humorous than angry. Angry people just put me in a bad mood. I don't like to be in a bad mood. Humor makes me giggle. I like to giggle.

I like to rant just as much as the next person, but usually I only like to rant to a friend. I don't want to rant to strangers because they probably don't want to listen to it. Neither do my friends, but by becoming my friend, they made an agreement to help with and listen to all my problems.

I don't care about how much you hate or love Justin Bieber. I'll be a little interested if you love him, because you have problems.
I don't care how bad that new movie in theaters was. If I wanna go see it, I'll go see it! Don't ruin the fun by telling me if I'm going in there to have my life changed, or if I'm going to have the greatest night ever because I picked a shitty movie.

(Gonna change subjects abruptly here.)
I love that with movies, you ALWAYS win. You either see a good film or a bad film. The good film is awesome because it was good. Either it made you cry, laugh, or shit your pants. You always feel high and mighty because YOU JUST SAW AN AWESOME FILM. The good film may suck, but it provides an hour and a half of entertainment. You can't not laugh at a bad movie. Plus, you feel high and mighty because YOU JUST SAW A BOX OFFICE FAILURE. (I just wanted to type "office box so bad, but I was afraid I was wrong so I googled it and saw that I had typed it backwards.)

I just completely rambled, didn't I? Well, that's what you get when I get high and then blog.

That's all folks!

Society is becoming dumber and dumber...and we're happy about it?

If you use Facebook, you may have noticed all these "like" pages. Some of these says things like "like this if you've ever pushed a door that said pull"; "like this if you've ever fallen up the stairs."

What the hell? I mean, I new people were stupid, but to admit to it, and even be proud of it? My God, what is the world coming to.

Okay, it is NOT CUTE to be dumb. It's just annoying. Well, some guys may have sex with you because they like dumb girls, but they will not be in a relationship with you. And if they do go out with you, it won't last long. Because you are an annoying slut and after awhile you're whole, "I don't know good math LOLZ" thing will start to get old.

I just really think stupid people are a waste of time. No matter how good looking they are. People may start to like you because of your looks, but if you don't have substance, they will easily get tired of you.

So do the world, and yourself, a favor, and read a fucking book.

A fun post. Animals as human stereotypes.

I was trying to sleep and instead decided to come up with human stereotypes that some animals represent. I may add more to this list, or continue it in a new post. Enjoy!

• Hyena - the annoying friend
• Birds - the cocky sonofabitch
• Lion - the women's rights activists
• Female gorilla - the dyke
• Penguin - the hopeless romantic
• Dog - the adorable idiot
• Cat - the destroyer of worlds
• Whale - the gospel singer
• Black widow - that lady who brutally murdered her husband and got away with it
• Rabbit - the sex addict
• Dolphin - the intellectual
• Sloth - the hungover college kid
• Cheetah - fastest black guy on the track team

More soon, maybe? I really need to focus on this dang blog more!

Oh this is gonna be an angry one.

Remember that post about my niece being the "anti-Christ." Totally a joke. Anyone could see that. But my sister's idiot ex-husband saw it and freaked out. Now he wants to put a restraining order out on me. What the fuck have I done to get a restraining order on my niece? Seriously? Did my post say anything that made it seem like I was doing anything wrong to her.


If you're reading this, you disgusting turd-pedophile-bald-sicko, IT WAS A JOKE. And stop lurking on my blog, creep.

Another thing that made me angry today: My brother at my friggin' chicken nuggets. NOT COOL.

I want to punch something.

Stupid things I did as a kid #2

We all did something when we were younger to get a crush's attention, right? When I was 12, I started liking this guy who was a "skater kid." So I decided to become skater-ish to make him like me. Instead of trying to learn to ride a skateboard, the only thing I could think of was to cut all my perfectly good socks into ankle socks, because I thought he would notice and think I was oh so cool. Anyway, I ended up ruining tons of perfectly good socks. All to get a guy's attention.

That isn't worse than what one of my friend's did when she was around 7. She got a buzz cut because the boy she liked had one.

Why I'm like a cat.

Well, lookie here, a post that shows a little bit of who I am.

My fiance says I'm like a cat. ALL the time. I've come to find this is very true. I've compiled a list (YAY LISTS) of the ways I am like a cat.

1. If I can't get something out of you at a particular moment, I won't bother with you. Most of my friends are friends because I get things from them. Money, back massages, candy, material things. I'm a heartless bitch. It's how we cats must survive in this world.

2. Lights entertain me. I can play with a laser for hours.

3. When I do something not-so-graceful, I act like it didn't happen. Ever notice a cat do this? They'll fall and then jump back up and walk gracefully away. I love their that-didn't-happen attitude.

4. I love rubs. Gimme rubs!

5. But don't touch my belly. Not my belly!

Stupid things I did as a kid #1

Pretty much every humor blogger has a post like this: some stupid shit they did as a child. Pretty much because children are the mentally challenged. Some of us grow out of it, but most of us will always be mentally challenged.
Anyway, some dumb ass things I did as a kid.

1. A friend and I saw this kid in the neighborhood riding his sister's bike. We didn't like him, so we thought it would be funny to steal it and hide it; to get him in trouble. So we took it, then went in my backyard. My dad had this little workroom type thing back there, and we dug around in there a little. We found some pink paint and spackle. Our devious little minds came up with the idea to further get this kid in trouble. Paint the bike! So, this we did. Then, we used the spackle to put around the gears so it would be unrideable. After our work, we decided to throw it over my fence. There are woods in my backyard and a river a little ways down. We were two little girls; all we could do was heave the bike over the fence. It was about two feet away from the fence. We thought we were absolutely brilliant. Afterwords, we decided to make our mark in my backyard and put our initials in the same pink paint we painted the bike with. Needless to say, we were caught sometime the next day.

Something eye-catching

What do you think of the post made by my fiance? I think it was great because I got to be lazy all weekend and let him make a bitching post for you guys. You may have noticed that there was no "Random Thought Friday" last week. Well, I was buried under schoolwork and stress from school and didn't have time to think of random things. I'll try to squeeze some brain poop out this week.
I haven't come up with any new interesting topics yet, but I'll start working on it tomorrow. Or maybe tonight.

I really want to be a pirate.

I'm not on acid, I swear.

          This isn't Mariah, this is Alex, and instead of the normal (or would usual be a better word?) regime of my loverly fiance spouting out wild and weird thoughts that twist your world views and most likely melt your insides, I am sharing a dream I had. You will find it both long and oddly rich in detail. The weird and fanciful events my mind saw fit to invent that night whilst I slept are in no way embellished or stretched by my imagination, so, without further ado...

          It starts off with me training the MMA wrestler Kimbo Slice for a big fight. He was set to face an ungodly strong woman named Gorilla. Gorilla could shoot fire out of her eyes at will (she didn't do this while fighting, mind you, she would be disqualified). I send Kimbo off to fight Gorilla but unfortunately I do not get to see the actual fight because I see my dear demon of a mother and she needs to talk to me. It turns out she has gotten booted from the apartments we live in, and that she works for, for embezzling money from them. This leaves me without a place to live. In retaliation I back-hand her. The result of this is that she falls down, and this means she is in my way. So I walk over her and step on her face. This is the last time I see her.
          After my ordeal with the devil I find myself over at Mariah's. She in turn has had a fight with her mother (though I assure you it is of a less serious problem and decidedly non-violent).We decide to go away and we end up in a hotel made by Xbox 360. In it you will find any game you want to play (I understand that these details are highly superfluous to the overall plot but to fully relate my odd dream I must write them nonetheless).
         This turns out to be a decidedly not-smart idea as we had to spend the majority of our money to get the hotel room. With the last of our money we decide to get a pizza. Whilst at this pizzeria I spy some rather expensive Rolex watches they are selling and decide to steal one in hopes of later on selling it and getting money. This is where it takes a turn for the worse as I run into my ex step-bastard. He sees me steal the watch and threatens to turn me into the police unless I return the watch. I see no way out of this so I comply. On leaving said pizzeria I encounter him once again. My rage boils over and I find myself bludgeoning him several times in the face with my fists. My rage subsides and I feel oddly satisfied that I have done a good deed. He tells me to get out of Detroit and go to Phoenix. For some reason I agree. In Phoenix I learn that Kimbo Slice did not in fact win the fight.

Taco Bell's new Taco Party Box...

is a God send. 12 TACOS.

Alex brought it over recently, and I almost had a seizure. A happy seizure. Tacos are the greatest things in the entire freaking world. I cannot stress how much I love them enough.

Here are pictures of the greatest day. EVER.

Alex and his cuteness

 Overly dramatic pointing

I love you, Taco Party Box

Lies. One size feeds me three, and Alex the 

remaining nine.

Booga booga boo

I don't have anything to talk about today. D:

Um...here's a dinosaur I drew.

Cheers!

My niece is the anti-Christ

Before I begin, you need to know what my niece looks like. I won't post a picture, because she's not my daughter and I'm not sure if my sister would appreciate me posting a picture of her child on my blog. So, I will post my version of her.

 

Don't be fooled by the blond hair, blue eyes, and suffocating sweetness. It's all an act.

First off, the possibility of this occurred to me in a dream. Dreams can sometimes be scarily accurate. I can't recall the details of the dream, I just know it was said in there somewhere that she was the anti-Christ.

She's a super sweet little 4-year old. She's spoiled rotten, and even I give her whatever she wants. She has the world wrapped around her adorable little finger. Sweetness usually disguises something much more sinister. She's plotting our demise while she hugs us and tells us how much she loves us. I respect her devilish mischief. 

She has a strange obsession with skulls and crossbones or just skulls. Being the creepy person that I am, most the the time my clothing has a skull somewhere on it. She LOVES them. She came over to my house one time and wore a faux rhinestone skull necklace I own the whole time.

She has a "boyfriend." This boyfriend is Astro Boy. Doesn't sound evil yet? Just wait. According to her, he is dead. She's fine with this. It disturbs me.

The last evidence is a recent event that happened. She was in my room, and I was playing computer games. She was watching me. I found a cute game where you raise a baby chick. You must complete an action, like bathing it, to unlock another action. I finally unlocked an action icon that looked like a bike. Upon clicking on it, it expanded to completely fill the screen, then it flipped over and turned into a chicken slaughtering machine. The baby chick was slaughtered and turned into bloody meat. It was quiet, and then my niece laughed and asked to play it again. This is the conversation that followed.

Me: Let's play another game...

Niece: No!

Me: This is a bit gruesome though...

Niece: I like it!

Me: You are a strange child.

Niece: (sigh) Sometimes, I am.

She's the most precious possible anti-Christ ever.

I'm an obsessive person.

I've been blogging about a week now, and I'm already thoroughly obsessed with it. If I'm not blogging, I'm thinking about ideas for my blog. If I'm not thinking about ideas for my blog, I'm bashing my monkey over the head with a wrench. I think I'm driving my boyfriend, Alex, crazy with this.

This is an example of my obsessive behavior. I obsess with things. A lot. Not with people though. I think that's pretty sick, and if I think something is sick, it's fucking SICK. Anyway, I tend to obsess more with websites and other web-related things. The internet is the devil. I even have dreams about these things. I will dream about playing an online game, or about blogging, or about bashing my monkey over the head. I hate this, because knowing my past of obsessing, I will obsess for maybe a month and then completely forget about this obsession. This blog is important to me, so I don't want this to happen. My monkey-bashing is even more important.

Sorry this post isn't very long, but I've been lazy today.
There will be a special treat this weekend! On Saturday, I'm handing my blog over to Alex, and he will be making his own blog post. Hilarity will ensue.

WOMEN HAVE VAGINAS

You're reading this and thinking, "Duh" right? Well, I am going somewhere with this so shut up and read.

Okay, so recently, in a class of mine, the teacher asked us what we thought of women going into full combat. There were three girls besides me in the class and they were all like "Hell yeah! Girls can do boy stuff! I am woman! Here me roar! Yay!" Obviously, being a woman, I agree that women can do anything a man can do, but I am also logical. I see one huge gaping (snicker) problem with women going into full combat:
WE HAVE VAGINAS

Yeah, I'm gonna get a little gross, but honest, here. Please, leave if you don't like reality slapping you in the face.
Okay, so women have vaginas, right? What happens when we don't take care of ourselves? We get
VAGINITIS. Which is a fancy word for a yeast infection. Vaginitis sounds way more scary, so I'm gonna use it instead.
Anyway, when men go into full combat, they can't really shower regularly. It's okay for them, because they don't have a vulnerable hole between their legs that toxins just can't wait to invade.

So all I'm saying is that women physically can't be in full combat. Not that they aren't strong enough, (I've seen female body builders) but because our bodies just aren't made for it.

Chicks want to be extreme too!

I've noticed that men's advertising is a lot more extreme than women's. They have these words, I call them "man words", that they use frequently to sell their products. Words like extreme, mach 5, bacon, edge, xxx, etc. Personally, being a woman, I would buy products that use these words. Especially bacon. To help companies soar into the future, I've provided some product ideas and even went through the trouble of making some ads. ENJOY. NOW.

The Bunny MACH 5

 

Any self-respecting woman would buy this.

Bacon Lipstick (Props to Alex for helping me make this pic, and giving me the idea. He's awesome.)

 

EXTREME Tampon

 

"Don't have a happy period, have an EXTREME period." (Alex's idea)

Random Thought Friday #1

I thought I might make a cute little Friday post of random things I think about, but can't really write an entire blog post on.
If you would like to see more elaboration on some of these thoughts, let me know. I could probably write an entire post, if I really tried.

• When I was little, I thought women got pregnant from men peeing inside them.
• In one of my classes at school, I overheard this guy talking to someone, and he said, "Is it 'cause I'm black? I can change!"
• I like when people with accents say "keht" instead of "cat."
• When Alex and I are alone, we speak to each other like lolcats.
• Do you ever think that when you hear something you don't want to hear, it's pretty much like being raped in the ear?
• If you look closely at a Pringles can, you can see Hebrew writing on it. Conspiracy? 

And, finally, I give you an awesome "mind fuck" picture:

Click for larger picture

Blog name change

So ever since I started this blog, I've been having this horrible foreboding that I won't get as many readers because the name of my blog is too vulgar. So I decided to change it. Not much of a difference. The content will remain the same, so no worries, readers.

Okay, bye!

EDIT: So I was feeling uneasy about the name change, because I thought it didn't make sense. But after worrying and thinking about it, I realized that it actually does. Skull fudge= fudge (like poop) that comes from the skull (brain)= thoughts! So yay! 

I gave in to Twitter.

DAMMIT! Two posts in a day again. This is really getting out of hand. Well, this shall be short. I figured I'll probably be famous sometime in the future, and I knew I'd have to make a twitter and a Facebook page. So I went ahead and did that anyway. Links can be found in the sidebar. I also added my e-mail address if you would like to stalk me further. Have a good night.

CRAP! Now my readers have expectations.

I've been getting some comments about how you love my posts, I'm funny, etc etc. You also include how you can't wait to read more posts. And now I feel

PRESSURE

GOD NO!! NO! PLEASE! STOP! DON'T MAKE ME DO IT! I'M HYPERVENTILATING! HEE! HEE! HEE!

(The hee's were the sound of me hyperventilating, not a cheery laugh.)

I'm proud of my first few posts, but now I feel afraid for my future posts. What if they're not up to my readers' expectations? What if they're not as good as my previous posts?? What if my blog ends up dying??? What if I get eaten by a giant, angry lizard????
This is scary. I want this blog to be alive forever, just as I plan to be alive forever. (I'm fucking immortal, bitches.) Please, dear readers, don't be disappointed in my future posts. I am trying my best!

Post two of the day

Again, apologies for posting twice in one day. That's not the type of blogger I want to be. I have a few topics, and I'm very eager to share them, but if I do it all at once, I'll run out of topics and I'll look like a dumbass. But my first post today was very short, so I feel I must supply you with this one.

So my first few posts could be stories about my past, or things explaining my personality, but my boyfriend thinks I should have a bit of mystique in my blog. I like the word mystique, so this sounds like a good idea to me. I'd prefer to share my thoughts. Things that keep me up at night. I find that people may not be interested in my past trauma that has turned me into the monster that I am today. Plus, I'm not the best at telling stories. I may try it someday when I run out of topics.

On to the post.
If I had a choice in my death (non-suicidal) these would be what I would choose from:

1. Sucked into a black hole.
I watched a program on history channel about black holes and how they literally suck everything up. How awesome would that be? A scientist being interviewed said for the first few seconds of being sucked off by a black hole, it would feel good. Like having a good stretch after a nap. And then your body parts would detach one by one. Pretty badass way to die, huh?

I couldn't find a picture of a black hole

sucking something up, so I just chose

the prettiest one.

2. Survive to the very end of Armageddon,see Jesus looking like a badass, and then be bludgeoned to death by an angel.

If you read the bible, you know that

this is an inaccurate depiction of 

badass Jesus. He's supposed to have

firey red eyes, a cloak dipped in blood

and a sword in his mouth. But I like

this Silvester Stallone idea of him.

This is copyrighted work mother

fuckers. No touchy.

3. Fighting a dragon.
No need for an explanation here. Just a badly edited picture.

A morning post before school

I shouldn't do this, but there will be two posts today.
This first one is me sharing my idea to freak people out today.
I'm going to carry this:

Around and tell people it's the god I worship.
Have a good morning.